This Episode was completely spontaneous and almost didn’t happen.
If I listened to the “perfectionist” part of me, I would not have even done a podcast today!
By not “giving up” on myself, I had a great lesson come through during the recording of this Episode.
If you’re drawn to this show then I’m sure you’ll be able to relate and hopefully take away something of value.
I can’t believe how much of myself I’m sharing in these podcasts…This is not at all like me!!
Enjoy, as I reveal more of the “me” that I usually hide! (-:
The Inner Singer Podcast
Episode 9 – Transcripts
The Flea on the Elephant
I had a great conversation with a friend yesterday that was also a mentor to me in parts of my life. She’s wonderful. It’s a great conversation. Fathers’ day was yesterday. I had a great conversation with my wife last night with all kinds of great things are just coming through. I just had this great conversation about abundance and about freedom and all kinds of stuff, what we want to do and the direction we want to go. So it was great.
What happened this morning, I woke up and it was as if I had never had those conversations. I was in – I don’t even know where, just some old pattern because of something that pushed my buttons.
It doesn’t matter what it was because we all have things that are like our Achilles heel. I have mine, you had yours I assume or you probably wouldn’t be listening to this program. This probably wouldn’t resonate with you. Again, it doesn’t matter what it was, but it had nothing to do with anybody but me. It was all me.
So anyway, this is what I really began to focus on, this thing. And all of a sudden, nothing that I spoke of yesterday, none of the great ideas and inspirations and even truth that came through that I was really enjoying being in yesterday and feeling the feelings of that expansion, none of that was there. It was, as a matter of fact, a complete antithesis of that. It was the exact opposite of that. It was as if those conversations didn’t happen and that guy didn’t even exist anymore.
I thought, “Okay. Well, I got a podcast to do because I’m a little bit behind.” Usually, I’m ahead of the game and I don’t have to do something on Monday. This is actually Monday and it’s in the afternoon. And this podcast actually should already be out. Those of you listening to it far in the future, this won’t make any difference, but this is me just being honest and letting you know why it’s not in your inbox right now if you’re expecting it (but it will be shortly).
Anyway, I have every reason in the world to say, “Okay, I’ll just e-mail the people on my list that are looking forward to getting this and I’ll say something came up.” That will be true. It was Fathers’ Day, I was busy and they can expect the podcast tomorrow.
I don’t want to let them down thought. I don’t want to let people down. And then it hit me, I don’t want to let myself down because I made a commitment to people and to be accountable. I made a commitment to myself to put one of these out every Monday.
I thought, “Am I going to really give credence and listen to the little part of me that is trying to sabotage this, the little part of me that has always tried to sabotage anything that I wanted to do that was good, positive of any kind of consequence.” Whatever it is, whether it’s fear, no matter what it is.
We’ve talked a lot about programming and wirings. Of course, it’s all those things. It’s the programming. It’s the wiring. It’s the inner voice. It’s the inner talk. It’s the self-talk. Where does that come from?
We’ve talked about that in various podcasts. I don’t need to go into that right now. But all of this was bubbling up and coming to the surface as the conscious thought, “I can probably really just put this off. I don’t need to do this. I wish that I feel better. I wish that I feel doing it. I can’t do it when I’m in this kind of mood. I’ll wait until I feel like doing it.”
And then when the idea hit me that, “No, I’m really going to be giving up on myself,” when I was coming back from an errand that I ran, it hit me as I was parking the van, “Wow! How much longer am I going to let this little part of me, this little negative part of me, this little conditioning, this little wiring, this little filter, whatever you want to call it, how much longer am I going to let that win in my life?”
It really stopped me in my tracks for a second. It’s not that I believe in doing battle with this little part. Of course, being really honest, there are many times that I just want to beat it up. I want to get rid of it. It feels like that is really the essence of all the problems that I have in life, this little part of me that just won’t shut up.
It’s always talking negatively. It’s always telling me I can’t do it and nobody wants to hear it. It’s always creating these situations that completely push my buttons, which is really funny that I refer to it as an it. Really, as I’m talking now, all it is is a conditioning, all it is is a default programming, all it is is a wiring. And it’s a very, very, very age-old pattern. It’s not just mine. It’s not just yours. It’s a very age-old pattern.
But I got to tell you, today, I was having a heck of a time bringing any kind of love and compassion and acceptance to what was and what is. I was really in resistance and I was really in anger and frustration. So talking though now during this podcast with the idea that I just didn’t want to give up on myself and I didn’t want this little part of me to ‘win’, again, it’s not a battle.
It’s not like I want the superhero part of me to win. I don’t want a part of me to beat down that negative part of me, but I don’t want to let that little part of me drive the bus anymore, fly the plane, be in charge, conduct the orchestra, any metaphor that you want to use, fill in the blanks. I don’t want to do that.
Now of course, I will. But just like today, doing the podcast, that’s a way of saying, “Okay, I hear you. I understand. But this is not a game that you’re going to win today.”
I don’t know what your beliefs are, all of you who are listening to this. I don’t know what your beliefs are. I don’t know if you’re a particularly religious person. I don’t know if you are a spiritual person. I don’t know if you’re a scientific person. I don’t know if you’re a combination of everything. I’m not particularly religious as far as religion goes. Actually, I’m not religious at all as far as religion goes. And I don’t even necessarily like to work spirituality because it’s so loaded.
I don’t like breaking everything down just to energy either because that seems very scientific, but combination of spirituality and energy and magic and something that really is much, much, much greater than the little part of me that didn’t want to do anything today, but feel sorry for himself.
So having said that, I really do believe that there is a part of us that is quite divine, that is wonderful, expressive, expansive, awake, a real bigger part of our self that can really hold the little part of our self that is scared, that is negative, that doesn’t have confidence, that whatever that’s big enough to hold that part of us in love and compassion, and also, that can successfully and quite wonderfully drive our experience or drive the bus, fly the plane, conduct the orchestra – again, fill in the blanks with the metaphor.
So it’s that part of me that’s inspired. That’s the bigger part of me that expands into new areas, new dimensions, all these great ideas, abundance. It’s that bigger part of me that I want to give over to, surrender to, let go into. And that’s the part of me that I refer to when I say, “How much longer am I going to let this little part of me win? How much longer am I going to let this little scared part of me run me, keep me from doing what I really want to do and love to do and making me do things that I would never even really want to do?”
And so, recognizing that I do have that little part, but I also have this really large infinite, wonderful, expansive spiritual (call it spiritual if you want) energy, consciousness – it doesn’t matter what you call it and it doesn’t matter what your belief systems are. But there’s a part of you, a part of me that can hold this little part.
It’s the part of me quite frankly that had that conversation yesterday with my friend as I was really feeling in such an expansive place with no limitations as I was talking about what I’m experiencing, what I’m doing. She was sharing what she’s experiencing and what she’s doing and last night with my wife and just these plans that we’re having and what we’re experiencing and where we’re going and what’s going on and what we’re learning, all these amazing things where it feels like the curtains are pulled back and you’re just in this wonderful awake present moment, expansive state versus what I feel like I woke up into this morning, which was just the opposite of that. It was very close down. I didn’t feel any expansion, whatsoever. It was negative.
And really quite frankly, it’s not really a big surprise. I believe in the podcast about resistance or one of the recent podcasts, I suggested that there is a possibility that when we have a real big expansion, we could revert back temporarily. It’s almost like two steps forward and one step backward. That’s what happened to me. I know that because I’ve seen this so many times. But I was still really, really, really frustrated with myself and with that process of that.
So, I managed though to rest in a little bit of space in between the feeling of negativity so that I could lean into a little bit more that bigger part of me that I experienced yesterday and felt so clearly yesterday. As I was walking around today things were coming out of my mouth, talking to myself saying things and feeling what they felt like in my body, a lot of it felt awful and I just felt awful with that.
I thought, “That’s a really good indication. Is that how I want to feel? Is this the voice that I want to listen to?” As I tracked with myself and as I allow myself to go down that road and as I feel in my body the sensation of yuckiness, it’s like, “Ewww, that’s clearly not what I felt yesterday. That conversation is expansive and wonderful and healing and amazing. This self-talk is shutting me down. It’s making me anxious. It’s making me physically not feel that great. It’s doing all the opposite.”
It’s like, “Wow! And I’m willingly doing that. I’m choosing in this moment to listen to that voice and give that a voice. Is this what I want to do? Is this the voice that I want running me? Is this the pattern that I want to continue to live out from? Is this the part of me that I want to create my life from?”
And the answer is no. I want to create my life from the part of me that was alive yesterday, having those conversations and feeling into the expansion of life, which of course is still right here where I am because it’s me. It didn’t go anywhere. I just chose to focus on another part that isn’t that.
So doing this podcast today is healing for me. It’s very helpful for me. Having accountability that you are looking forward to hearing this podcast today was good for me. Not wanting to let you down was good for me. Not wanting to let me down was better for me.
And the takeaway – I always want there to be one and sometimes it’s subtle and it doesn’t need to be something grandiose. The takeaway is, “Do you have a part of you that oftentimes or once in a while is talking and you listen to it and it’s not saying anything that’s going to help you? It’s all negative. It’s all going to sabotage you. It’s going to slow you down. It’s going to stop you. It’s going to derail you. Just like I did, did you give it a voice today? And I listened to it and I talked to myself. I let it talk. I let it have a voice.”
That’s fine. But can you come to the place when you’re doing that that you can feel what that feels like and what the consequences are? Do you want to continue going down that road and letting that part of you ‘win’?
Or do you want the bigger part of you that wants to sing, that wants to perform, that wants to write songs maybe, that just wants to have a fabulous, abundant, wonderful, great exceptional life than something or someone that is telling you that you can’t?
You know that there’s a bigger part of you that’s inspiring you, that is the part of you that got you to sing in the first place, that first got you to open your mouth, the desire to do that, to get better, to improve yourself in all aspects. Is that the part you want to listen to?
Feel into that the next time you really feel a sense of expansion, a sense of anything is possible. The next time, feel into that. Remember what that feels like.
And then if you’re anything like me, at some point, that other voice is going to start talking, there’s going to be a trigger, there’s going to be an Achilles heel, something is going to push your buttons and you’re going to let that other voice start chattering away, that little program starts running and you’re going to follow it. And then all of a sudden, you’re going to be aware that you’re following it. You can give it a voice and see what that feels like in your body, in your mind, in your life versus what the feeling of being present with the bigger part of yourself feels like.
And then, you have a choice. You can choose which one to listen to and which one to follow. You don’t have to win. You don’t have to beat down the negative one. The bigger one is so much bigger.
My dear friend that I was speaking to yesterday referred to it as the ‘flea on the elephant’. I was really paying a lot of attention and focusing on the flea today – not the elephant, not the big part, not the part that everything is okay, that part that everything is okay with that part. I was focusing on the little flea. Nothing is going right for the little flea.
The next time your little flea is talking, just be aware of it. Be with it. Give it a voice if need be to yourself. See what that feels like. And then remember back when you’re not in that place and you’re really feeling the expansion of life, anything is possible and you’re really feeling into that. And then choose.
And if you have something that you’re going to do that you’ve committed to do, don’t give up on yourself. Don’t let that little part beat you down. Don’t let the little part win. Focus on the bigger part of yourself and keep moving.
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